Moment of Panic

April 20, 2011 at 8:41 am (Uncategorized)

I don’t often get anxiety attacks.  I have only had 2 now that have been made a lasting impression.

Both have revolved around my son.

The first one was the day after he was born.

After all the excitement of the emergency C-section, it was the next day as I stared into that perfect little face and it hit me how close we came to losing him.  He was born blue.  He had managed to get the cord wrapped around his neck and body several times and was unable to drop down for birth.  By the time the Dr figured out what was happening and rushed me into surgery, they didn’t even have time to dose my epidural.  A mask descended over my face, there was a sharp burn as medicine was rushed through my IV and having been the surgical tech in enough emergency C-sections I can assure you that my son was out and over under warming lights before anesthesia had a tube down my throat.  The Boy was blue, I know this because I looked at my records and saw his apgar score of zero for color.

The next day was when it hit me with a full force anxiety attack and I held my perfect baby boy and cried with the fear I hadn’t had time to acknowledge the day before.

The second one was last night.

We came home from pre-school yesterday with a fever of 100.5.  I gave him some Tylenol and Triaminic.   At bath time I gave him his next dose.  As I was rocking him later that evening after books I suddenly couldn’t remember if it had been long enough between doses.  Fear rushed through me as I envisioned him over-dosing and stopping breathing in his sleep.  I began to fervently pray for his safety as I mentally tried to straighten out just what time we had gotten home and how long it had been between med doses.  As I began to calm down I was able to think clearly and know that plenty of time had passed, all was well.  But that fear though receding was still there and I rocked him extra long last night.  I was just enjoying the son that I sometimes forget is a gift from God.

“Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you.”  I know God doesn’t want us to live in fear and anxiety, but I think He sometimes uses it to remind us of things we are taking for granted. “Lord, help me to remember that this precious child is not an interruption, but something I begged You for, and a treasure You have entrusted into my care.”


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